Crossword Spell Reserch (my version)

Courtesy of Telecanter

Since Something Something 2d6 uses word combinations to make words, my eyes perked up when I read this post at TRR about using crosswords to define how to research spells. I have an alternate take on that idea, that uses free-form, level-independent spells. I'm going to use T's image to kind of illustrate the idea, but like I said, this is an alternate take, so bear with me.

Here are the changes, listed as system from the ground up. So not so much changes to the TRR system as they are inspired ideas.

1. Each wizard (or multiclasser wizard) starts their first level with one word of their choice, their eureka concept, that they want to learn (they gots no magics till they do, in fact). As soon as they learn it, they can start using it to cast spells. So you could, for instance, chose to go for "run" or "rune", but run would be easier to learn and do vastly different things than rune. However, longer words might be more advantageous for your repertoire-building (see no. 6). You could later expand run to be rune, runner, runny, etc (see no. 7).
2. The player (not the DM), writes the word they intend to learn on a grid (maybe even a copy of a scrabble board).
3. Each time they find a valuable or hard-won tome, curio, or reagent that can help them learn a letter of the spell, they can take a week to study it and check off a letter from among their words (this is when you get the satisfaction of using pen to fill in a crossword).
4. Once all the letters in a word have been learned, it can be cast as a spell of its name. For instance, if you learned SEEK, you could tell the DM, "I am casting SEEK to try and divine the location of something".
5. If you have done the scrabble option, maybe they have +x to cast it, deal damage with it, or to its efficacy, depending on what kind of elf-game magic we are talking here (in SS2d6, you have to beat DC 7 to cast basic spells, but I digress).
6. Now then, since the player is in control of their arcane interests, if they want to start studying a word that shares a letter with any current words they are learning, that's okay. The PC names these words too. Any overlapping letters are learned for both spells only once. So for instance, if you were using the pictured Seeks Enemy Mage Dart spell, and you were to learn the E from 1, you would also have it for free for 2. 
7. Players can elect to modify their words later, adding letters (i.e. change "dart" to "darts"). They just have to be careful to not negate any previously learned words that share letters by somehow messing up their spelling.  If it can't be done in Scrabble, don't do it.
8. Players can elect to start new words elsewhere on the grid, no problem, unless you are using Scrabble. 
1. If you are using Scrabble, be sure to give board square bonuses and give the PC seven starting letters from a Scrabble bag to make them feel better about the fact that they might one day run out of ways to add words.
9. You could use these rules for alchemists, clerics, etc, with a little adjustment. Imagine mixing two chemicals or prayers to make an interesting effect.

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Five RPG Tomes that Drove Me to Existential Despair

There's an RPG challenge going around like a squamous thing from times primordial. As you know, I cannot resist the siren's call of such forbidden joiningness. The Internet has an inexhorable pull. The challenge is to list five RPGs that changed you. Listed in this web journal to-day is an account of my harrowing experiences with a quintet of ineffable RPGs that should not be.

1: Bronies vs Humanity
At first, I found the central mechanic, that of using cards to contsruct a pony avatar, quite charming, but a sinister development soon reveals itself when you sit down to make a diminuative, equine construction. Little could I and my assistant guess that the being we created would soon develop beyond our control. She wanted more parts, and heaven help us, for we gave them to her. A hoof here, an ear there, and all too soon she had developed beyond our control. With her new-found appendages came an inhuman averace. In the end, I ran screaming from that game table.

2: Mazes and Monsters
Woe be to those that open the appendia and gaze upon the optional rules. That which conceals itself as a fun LARPing experience seems to be in actuality an esoteric ritual performed by the unwhitting players. If that tunnel complex had been larger, perhaps a touch more cyclopean in its contruction, we might have lost even more than we did. Poor Tom will be missed.

3: O.S.R.
Whilst I was perusing the dusty volumes at the back of the Miskatonic University library, I happened upon this one, and, intrigued by the logo--which seemed to have some sort of mercurial hologram that changed when I looked at it from different angles-- picked it up. The library was closing so I didn't really get a chance to examine it closely until midnight. As I pondered over those pages in the dim candle-light my roommate "Ogre" would deign to let me use while he snored in a rather ranine manner, I made connections that bring me to the brink of revulsion to this day. The central mechanic seemed to be using the letters O, S, and R as the beginning letters of your actions to accieve tasks, but this deceptively innoculous exercise has horrific ramifications. Once you use one of those words in the game, it seems to gain power. Impossible, I know, but soon I started to notice changes to my environment. Never again can I be at ease around things like Oranges, Sunglasses, or Raisins, to name but a few things. Luckily, these objects seem only inimicable to my local gaming group, for now. Oh, my, I think I hear an Oboe scuttling by just now. I must hide.

4: Rat Guts
Now, I want to assure you, gentle reader, that I have never engaged in this game as a player, but when I heard of this back-woods RPG played by inbred hillfolk of rural New England, I traveled against my better judgement to the place where it was rumored to have issued from. In the town of Ozcruk, a young attendant at the gas station surmised my intentions and tried to warn me away. He explained that like me he was an outsider and merely worked in town for summer cash, but that he had seen things. Strange, hunched over figures, that can be glimpsed in the tree-line at dusk. "Sir," he implored me, "don't go looking into that game. There are things slightly less horrible. Have you tried FATE?" But in my hubris, I ignored the youth, parked my automobile in a secluded spot, and treked through the woods until I chanced upon the foul activity the locals call Rat Guts. At first, it seemed like any quaint hill-nerd occasion, with an abundance of Mountain Dew and Monty Python quotes, but soon the game started in earnest, as I spied on through a hole in the walls. The players dipped into what should have been a bag of Cheetos and produced a live rodent. I shall not go into gory detail about the gameplay that followed, but a strange part of me, a shameful part, thought the divination the game referee performed as he examined the splatter patterns was fascinating. I could see the reasoning, mad as it was, behind the +2 bonus for spleen distance. Suffice to say, I was lucky to have been able to sneak away with both my sanity and body intact.

5: Flowers for Zothique
A scientist-friend introduced this one--part parlor game and part dissertation-- at a dinner party, and I am rather luckily that I decided to just watch, rather than participate. I guess my scepticism of homebrews saved me this time. It was a most intriguing system, wherein the players took a certain pill--that our friend assured us he had developed himself and was completely safe and its effects temporary--in order to expand their consciousness and enhance their immersion as they advanced in the plot. To his horror and mine, the participants could not stop roleplaying. To this day, they are locked away and bound in straight jackets, muttering about getting that pie away from that orc. I'd rate the adventure he ran at a 4 out of 5.

The HP nomenclature problem

Embedded in this post is a link to my four-page RPG, Something Something 2d6. You can read it on google docs if you can't see it here.

While play-testing it via ye olde Tomb of Horrors, we came up against one of those traditional RPG debates: what are HP? To a degree, the problem with pinning them down is probably due to their name. Hit Points makes it sound like you get hit. And you do, when someone rolls a to-hit roll against you. The thing is, in SS2D6, we have clerics of a different color, and they don't heal HP. They mend flesh and bones. So there was a disconnect when someone was like, "I'm not hurt, I just want to be healed."

One of the players said, "Think of them as Plot Armor points". And thus, I switched to PA instead of HP. We'll see how it goes. I would love to call HP Luck Points, but Luck is a stat (ability score) in our game.

Anyways, we are having some good fun, so checking out SSD6 might give you some useful ideas. I like the free-form magic system and all kinds of other things about it, including the crits, the non-spell-casting clerics, and the bonus dice each class gets. Also, check out the comment about how we are trying out leveling everyone else when one of their companions dies.


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Cutting Crits and Wicked Wounds

I'm finally getting around to adding my own crits for Quest for It, my fantasy heartbreaker that marries DCC with DW's "no boring rolls" mechanics. You can check out QFerrit here.

Anyways, here are some crits for edged weapons. Unlike in DCC, everyone uses the same crit charts, but there are options embedded in the charts for the fighter-types and other types. This is still a draft.

You could totes use these in a normal DCCRPG game by tweaking the ability score names and rolling usual crit die sizes. These crits are heavily inspired by http://www.windsofchaos.com's Warhammer crits, but I think Warhammer crits inspired DCC's, so it's a fun circle of death.

Crit Source: Cutting weapons (typically melee only)

Cut 1: (1d7) 1) foe’s weapon and yours obliterate each other (they shatter); 2) wrist nicked; blood flow makes foe’s weapon get slippery next round; they’ll have to save or drop it; 3) foe’s helm is knocked off if they have one, but if they don’t they are momentarily disoriented, giving you the option to get in a quick jab at +1d or withdraw safely; 4) foe’s torso armor is busted open a bit (+1d to further dmg against them) or, if not wearing armor there, they are stunned for a round; 5) shin-slap forces foe to make a Con save or drop their weapon and hop around, gripping leg; 6) force of blow does 1d5 extra damage, but your weapon gets knocked out of your hand in the process and puts you in a tough spot that the Judge will describe; 7) you get your weapon stuck in foe’s extremity (losing it); they have to make a save or drop their weapon and desperately grasp at yours to pull it out in an attempt to stop the pain.

Cut 2: 1) foe disarmed and you have the option to follow them and get in a free attack at +1d if they try to recover it; 2) fingers grazed; save or drop weapon; 3) glancing blow against side of head causes-1d next round; 4) poke to foe’s side pains them and they lose use of shield for a round, or, if they don’t have a shield, they’re stunned for a round; 5) force of blow does 1d6 extra damage, but if this kills your foe, your weapon is stuck in them for a round (guts are a sticky vacuum); 6) foe slips on a heretofore unnoticed turtle; you get in an attack and they are stunned during it.

Cut 3: 1) biceps slash; foe needs to save or drop their weapon and is at -1d damage this battle; 2) temple grazed; -1d to damage and saves for a round; 3) rib broken and pierced; foe has to make a save or be stunned for a round as it wheezes and gasps in pain; in addition, if the save is failed another save is needed to hold onto its weapon; 4) thigh strike forces a save vs falling to the ground, stunned for a round; 5) foe’s shield or helm shattered d5 extra damage if they have neither).

Cut 4: 1) deltoid gashed; foe drops weapon in pain; even if they recover it, they won’t be able to do beyond 1d4 dmg this fight with their weapon attacks; 2) forehead slash drips copious blood into the eyes, giving attackers +1d to hit until middling; 3) weapon pierces right into trapezius; foe must save at -1d or drop weapon; 4) deep slice down to the bone of the upper leg; foe drops to the ground, and drops their weapon for a round; 5) smash foe’s hand; they drop a weapon and--due to a couple broken bones--cannot pick it up with that hand (off-hand attacks are -1d to hit/dmg).

Cut 5: 1) foe’s weapon shattered; 2) back of foe’s hand is skinned; they drop their weapon and have to make a save to avoid dropping things in the other hand to grip the wounded one; 3) slam to side of foe’s head, stunning them until a middling result is rolled; 4) chest gash; foe must save or be stunned until a middling result is rolled; 5) groin poke barely misses femoral artery; you may spend 1 Luck to force them to save versus bleeding out, and even if you don’t they still have to save versus gripping the wound in pain for two rounds.

Cut 6: 1) deep swing rebounds off of radius bone; weapon dropped and foe is at -1d to hits/dmg with this arm until it heals over a week; 2) carve a bit of flesh off foe’s neck causing blood spurt; they must get it bandaged before three rounds have passed or be forced to save vs unconsciousness each round; 3) gall bladder punctured, and it spills its contents; foe must save versus retching, and will die of infection if not well-treated; 4) weapon lodged in foe’s femur; they drop to their good knee and you have the option to make a +2d check to wrench the weapon out and deal 1d4 extra damage; 5) 1d5 extra damage if you aren’t a death-dealer, but if you are you enter a battle rage.

Cut 7: 1) weapon lodges between radius and ulna; foe cannot use this hand and writhes in pain, stunned; you can make a +2d check to dislodge the weapon next round, dealing 1d12 extra damage; 2) most of ear flies off; future Char checks may be affected, and if this is the second lost ear -1d to hearing tests 3) weapon lodges from above into hip bone; foe cannot use this hand and writhes in pain, stunned; you can make a +2d check to dislodge the weapon next round, dealing 1d12 extra damage; foe has -1d Coord to run until healed; 4) hamstring severed; make a -1d save to stay standing ; foe has -2d Coord to run until healed; 5 or 6) 1d6 extra damage if you aren’t a Death-dealer, but if you are you enter a battle rage.

Cut 8: 1) biceps-tendon severed; this arm is useless until healed and save each round vs bleeding out; 2) foe tries to bend back to dodge, but you slice their nose off; save each round vs bleeding out and permanent loss of 1d to Cha; 3) groin stab makes opponent stunned until someone gets a middling result; save vs sterility; 4) knee-cap whisked off; foe falls to good knee and is not coming up this battle, stunned until a middling result happens; 5 to 7): 1d7 extra damage if you aren’t a Death-dealer, but if you are you enter a battle rage.

Cut 9: 1) large chunk of one shoulder hits someone’s cheek; you may spend a Luck to have the chunk hit eyes and blind someone for a round instead; foe is bleeding out 2) weapon cleaves into helm or skull; in either case the foe is stunned until you pull the weapon out, dealing 1d12 extra damage; 3) bladder puncture; unless healed somehow, foe must save vs infection and also has a permanent, stinky leak, netting -1d to Cha; 4) upper and lower leg-connecting ligament severed; foe writhes helpless for the rest of this battle and will be at -1d Coord when moving in the future; 5) roll a result from above and enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.

Cut 10: 1) foe loses 1d5 fingers; if roll meets or exceeds fingers on that hand, whole hand is instead severed at the wrist causing a panic; save or flee; 2) ear torn off at the root; -1d to listening attempts in the future; 3) guts spill out a bit; save to stay conscious, but -1d to hits/dmg even if they do; healing necessary for survival and even then save vs infection; 4) achilles tendon severed; hopping about in pain is possible with a save, but foe is at -1d to all rolls and their instinct is very much to just crawl away in terror; 5) roll a result from above and enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.
Cut 11: 1) arm severed at the elbow; bleeding out and save vs fleeing; 2) bleeding gash down the face and into the collarbone; foe bleeding out and a cumulative -1d to everything until bandaged; 3) spleen-kebob; cumulative -1d to everything until a die would dip below 1d3, at which point they pass out and need healing to survive, and even then save vs infection; 4) foe loses 1d5 toes and if the great to is lost, they will hereafter always be -1d to run; foe also is stunned until someone rolls a middling result; 5) scalped and blood rushes into eyes, blinding for a round; save vs infection; 6) foe disarmed so expertly that they must save or drop to their knees and beg for mercy; 7) roll a result from above and enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.

Cut 12: 1) guts spilling out all over boot; foe may only numbly attempt to scoop them back up and will die at battle’s end unless supernaturally healed somehow, and even then the experience will leave them with an insanity; 2) foot shorn off; bleeding out on the ground and will need a peg-leg to get around; 3) gash right through an eye ruins it beyond natural healing; save vs fleeing and infection; Char checks affected; if foe is a death dealer they may spend a Luck to avoid all secondary effects and instead get mad enough to enter battle rage; 4) collar bone is driven down near the lung; foe must make Luck check or have lung pierce by bone, which kills with d10 rounds; even if that save is made the arm is useless until healed and foe is -1d to everything; 5) you pin foe to a surface, you may spend 1 or 2 Luck to add one or two extra people to the weapon-kebab, respectively, depending on how long your blade is; 6) you enter a battle trance, reducing all incoming attack damage at you by 1d for this fight; 7) roll a result from above and enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.

Cut 13: 1) Arm severed at the shoulder; bleeding out and if they somehow survive the foe will be at a permanent -4 Coord die sizes; 2) lower jaw and tongue have a bit nipped off; several teeth gone, affecting Cha rolls; bleeding out and unable to cast most spells in the future due to speech impediment; 3) puncturing in from the side,through a kidney, and lodging in the spine renders foe immediately unconscious and bleeding out; even if they survive that and an infection save, one or both legs will be permanently paralysed; 4) leg severed at knee; only magical healing can stop this bleeding in time; 5) you deal class damage die in bonus damage to a nearby secondary foe too; Death-dealers can spend a Luck to repeat this with a tertiary target, etc.; 6) you enter a defensive stance, reflecting all 3 damage or lower rolls back at your opponent; 7) roll a result from above and enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.

Cut 14: 1) right through the shoulder and deep into the chest your blade goes; foe can do naught but slide down to the floor to die from bleeding out with no chance of saving; 2) slashed from temple through jaw and past the collar-bone; they die right away and you are showered in jugular blood, making all foes that witness this have to save vs fleeing and then save again for each ally that fled; 3) as result 2, but the shower comes from a severed aorta; 4) deep puncture into femoral artery reduces foe into a spasming blood-sprinkler flopping about on the floor; no magics will be fast enough to save them before they die within a round; 5) roll a result from above, and an extra crit against a nearby secondary foe, then enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.

Cut 15: 1) from one shoulder to the opposite hip, you bifurcate your foe; 2) decapitated head lands in foe’s ally’s hands, scaring them off; 3) a vertical cut flashes, then you pause to let your foe realize that they are dead as their surprised halves fall apart; 4) cruciformly-separated quadrants tumble to the floor; 5) roll a result from above, and an extra crit against a nearby secondary foe, and you may pay one Luck per target beyond the second that you want to crit, then enter a battle rage if you are a Death-dealer.

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Ironclaw: A fun, furry alternative to Hit Points

As the Dying Earth Sun equivalent of our great hobby (Google Plus) finally sputters its last, I am starting to go through my old posts and see what I want to share here for posterity.  I'm not the most frequent blogger, because G+ was good for low effort games talk and sharing. My attitude was presaged: I remember sitting at a Danny Choo party for who's whos among online Japan people (I used to be one) about ten years ago and hearing from another, much richer web guy that blogs were soon to be dead. But I value blogs as a semi-stable preservation of information. If my g+ posts become as inaccessable as my old Google Buzz or Reader posts, well, they'll be gone like nerd tears in the rain.

So here is the first post where I share something I think deserves eyes. In this case, it is an alternative to using HP. It doesn't even do wounds the same way as you usually see, really. Nor is it just a series of boxes like a White Wolf product might use. Take a look. One of the most interesting RPGs out there just happens to be for furries. I found it so intriguing I've been kind of folding it into my heartbreaker RPG.

You can read more about Ironclaw at 1d4chan.

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Shmégel Preview Prt2:

Smegel manor will have lots of effects that play with life and death. Maybe I'll adapt the table about resurrection complications from Tegel.
    One of the interesting but kinda too crazy things about the statues in the original Tegel is that every single one did some thing for or to the PCs. Combine that with statues that are missing bits, and it was a bit overly-complicated, so this is my stream-lined take.
    Spooky Statuary is one part of the draft I'll probably expand (a d4 is just not enough results). Anyhoo, I think this take is a lot clearer than the d12xd8 table of the original Tegel Manor. Have a look at where it's at now in this image:

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Shmégel Manor Previews (prt 1)

The below excerpt is for a nostalgia-clone, a term which I use to mean a module that is an homage to
something from our hobby's roots. Basically my attempt to rework old things, such as Tegel Manor,
for modern sensibilities. That being said, GET HYPE!

Shmégel Manor

The dark manor was erected in time immemorial by peoples unknown on a bluff overlooking the sea. The caves underneath are believed to have been once occupied by druish peoples who made great standing stones to their dark, best-forgotten gods. They are now rumored to be peopled by the sea-changed, beings that the deep sea gave back. The most recent owners of the manor were the Shrumps, a tribe of petty aristocracy over given to occult dalliances, overly alliterative appellations, and, of course, madness.

The nearby Shmégelburg and the enclosing province of Shmégelstan probably got their names from the manor, but where the manor got its own name is a forgotten mystery. It is a few hours ride from town to the manor, but the way is rarely trod these days; rumors of headless horsemen, harrying brigands, Adam Ant, and walking, wet corpses are rampant.

The manor follows horror trope rules: Damage done to it heals, paintings are likely to curse you or be doorways to other worlds, and statuary has a strange sense of humor. Of course, monsters are right at home in the manse or its tunnels; they are more or less immune to and are part of its effects.

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Rolling on every table in the D30 Sandbox Companion (part 1)

Of late I've started to get frustrated with my tsundoku ways. Time to put my barely picked up copy of the D30 Sandbox Companion to work. I picked it up and rolled on every page with a table. Well, a few of them today at least.

P10 Adventure Generator I
Results: Manuscript, solve mystery--theft, perform ritual, outpost, machine/clockwork

My interpretation: A manuscript has been mysteriously stolen at the Mechanist outpost. Mechanists are anti-luddite religious fanatics known for their high quality clocks, which caravans still make the arduous journey to obtain by trade. The Mechanists perform a certain ritual each year at a very precise time, but the head priest recently died and the stolen manuscript has key details of the ritual. Find it or bad things happen.

P11 Oh shit this is a continuation of the last table.
Results: Energy drain (HP), eliminate species, mask, glory, ranger/dwarf

Interpretation: Okay, I'll just go full bore at the Thief Metal Age rip-off now. The Mechanists have a spell that can sap people of their energy, making them docile servitors. The servitors wear special masks that keep them in a slave-trance, utilizing gasses that if released into an area with plant life will cause a chain reaction that will bring about a biological apocalypse.  The dwarven ranger has caught wind of this loathsome practice (but doesn't know how the masks work) and has stolen the manuscript, thinking it the key to the servitor secret, but the Mechanists are actually keeping something at bay with their axiomatic machines and slaves and rituals. The dwarven ranger has made a small bandit group of rescued-deprogrammed servitors, and they plan for a glorious razing of the Mechanists soon. If the Mechanists should survive, one of their number will probably decide to bring about the mask-enabled end-times.

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P12-13 Weather (you want to or not)
Results: I think I got III on the next page then rolled a single-cell storm. I think the temp is 30 degrees; this wasn't the most intuitive table, and weather? Ug. I guess there is a chance I could have rolled a tornado or something and that chance is cool, but I dunno if I even want to leave weather up to dice.

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P14 Off Course
Results:  174 degrees off course. This is for ships, which was not obvious at first. I would still use it in a land hexcrawl I think.

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P15 Foraging and Hunting
Results (foraging, temperate, winter, in the hills): Got 1 ration. It's not toxic. This takes 20 mins. (Hunting with three hunters): Nat 1 means we definitely find the thing which is (rolls) a large beast as long as we have the right weapons for the job. After like way too long, I also determined that of the 1 to 2 beasts we saw, we caught 1 one of them and used up like 12 ammo. To be honest, this got super confusing at the end. I guess it saves the time of having the players roll to hit though. We could play the encounter out with the 60 foot range I determined.

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p16-17 terrain phenomena with descriptors
Results (determined that we were in the hills again randomly; let's just say it's temperate hills in winter for the rest of this post): No phenomena (only 6 in 30 chance). Boring? Rolls: It was a crag. We saw a crag.

Nah, this table isn't bad though. I'd roll a result without chances wherever the players happen to be just so I can set the scene and get the coveted cuesta with a cliff.

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P18 Settlements
Results (for an unsettled hex square): No residents because I rolled a town result (impossible to have a town in an unsettled area). But maybe this would indicate ruins instead, so I roll at the bottom of the page and I guess we have an abandoned nomad camp.

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P19 Actual Ruins
This page doesn't worry about population.
Results: A tower. Moderately collapsed. Infested with insects. Giant wasps, maybe.

I like this page a lot. Simple, fast and evocative.

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P20 Temples
Results: A mound with timber structures and 1d6 rooms. It has 8 columns on the front and back faces.

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P21 Cults!
Results: Unity; the oracle; beholder worshiped; death to monarchs!; they sleep on beds of rocks.
The Unity of the Oracle was determined to --of course-- want to conquer the world some day.

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P22 Magical Places
Results: Cavern, of dreams. Short one, but fun page.

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P23 Pilgrim groups
Results: Lawful/good (paladins?), 60 in number and mounted, six 2nd level clerics, four 4th level, and one 6th level, the chance that there were fighters/thieves in the group was rolled at/under when the die said there were 8 of the former and 2 of the latter, so I guess we do have paladins.  

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So there you have a few pages tested. Some of them were like remembering the steps to do a math proof for me, but there are some pages I would pull out in a pinch for quick table play.


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d60 The One Thing about this Spell is...

Tsathoggua is a d60.

Learning a spell is not a predictable, orderly process. The good news is that if you manage to get past the strange protections and curses of a magical libram, you do stand a good chance of grokking the spell with diligent research and lots of demon-bribing. The bad news is there is always one catch about a spell. 

Roll a d60 on this list. If there are any variables on your result, determine those now; they won't change. If you don't like the spell, quest for another version of it. 

This list is inspired by the mercurial magic rules of DCCRPG, this Anxiety Wizard post, and this Tower of the Mad GM post. They are metal!

1. Your studies show you that final syllables must be taught to you by a monster (Judges choice what it is and where, but you do know what and where it is supposed to be, roughly).
2. It can be cast only by someone of a specific gender (determine male, female, neuter, or campaign equivalent to hijra). One can present as another gender, but everyone around them must have used the spell's preferred pronoun to refer to the caster since dawn.
3. It manifests in a random manner each time it is cast. Sometimes as a flaming sword, sometimes as a screaming skull, sometimes as your tsking mother... The effect is probably the same regardless.
4. Roll a percentile die whenever you cast this and assign everyone present that you know a number by counting them. If the percentile rolls a number equal to the number of present souls, one of them turns to dust. Otherwise, someone you know that is not present dies (Judge picks). You are considered to know anyone you have broken bread with.
5. You must store (memorize) this spell in the skull of a dead wizard (quest for it; if you kill the wizard in a spell duel, the spell you store in the skull is +1d per the wizard's level at death). The skull hates you, and talks telepathically to anyone within two ells.
6. Roll a d2. This spell either can only be cast by 1) truth-speakers or by 2) liars. Respectively, no lies or truths allowed since the last time you cast or memorized this. For ease of roleplay, only your responses to questions from other characters count.
7. This spell requires a hype man to rile up the magic as you rap out a ditty about it. Beat boxing optional. Judge might give +1d for smooth flow.
8. Thank you, Mario, but your spell is in another quest.
9. This spell just doesn't work without either spellburn or relevant monster gong.
10. This spell's results only work under certain lighting conditions. Anything outside the rays of the designated light source just doesn't work. For instance, a magic missile that would leave the light fizzles. Roll a d5: 1) moonlight; 2) the light of a corpse-candle; 3) lamplight; 4) the light of a torch held by a cannibal; 5) the light of a candle that has seventeen drops of blood mixed into the wax. This spell is 1d harder to save against than most though.
11. Leper's Delight. This spell can only be cast by those missing body parts. Luckily (?), you can spellburn off a body part as you cast this spell and it will count. You also get +1d to cast it per missing member.
12. The gods hate this spell! Ask me how! If you have this spell memorized, you cannot be healed by an idolater, and entering any sort of sacred place, even evil gods' fanes, for more than a few moments explodes your brains. 
13. Learning this spell has transformed you. Your presence curdles milk, gives grannies draught-chills, and makes animals afeared.
14. The spell cannot be cast unless you are wearing a conical hat. There are certain wizard conclaves that have managed to use jaunty hats instead.
15. The spell requires a wand, and the wand demands to help cast all your spells. It slumps wanly if ignored or if it fumbles.
16. The spell cannot be cast by those who do not have some sort of corruption--a warping of the flesh by eldritch energies. The spell can be transcribed onto scrolls as normal though.
17. This spell needs to be played out by an grind-organ over the course of at least a round. A monkey with a tip-cup starts to follow you around if you use this spell enough.
18. This spell can only be cast by twins, but is very effective. +3d to cast together. If your backstory is unknown, you can roll Luck to see if you have a twin somewhere, and then try to convince them to join the party.
19. This spell costs an arm and a leg to learn. Literally. It will never fail, though (it might still misfire or fumble on a 1). You can back out of that bargain at the last second before learning this one completely.
20. This spell requires you to make a magic circle. Drawing it out with a stick in the dirt over the course of a round will do. Roll Luck if there is ever any question if dirt is available, or carry your own. The game Judge may give you ad hoc bonuses based on how fancy the materials in your circle are...
21. This spell can only be cast while nude. Even a backpack counts, but oddly enough, it will still work with any hat on your head if the hat has stars on it.
22. This spell needs a proxy to deliver it. You touch someone else, they touch some third target to affect that thing. You don't know how effective a given instance of the spell will be until the proxy delivers it. 
23. Learning this spell has transformed you. Roll on a corruption or mutation chart (Judge's choice).
24. This spell refuses to be cast when a certain thing is present (roll a d12): 1) Hobbits; 2) fountains; 3) fungal bio-luminescence; 4) children; 5) androids; 6) tears; 7) the undead; 8) swords; 9) men; 10) doors; 11) violence 12) an even numbers of arms.
25. Learning this spell has transformed you. You can no longer stand either (roll a d5) 1) choral singing, 2) moss, 3) bones, 4) sunlight, or 5) moonlight. Such stuff burnses you.
26. This spell has imprinted upon an item you cherish. Name it. You must hold it to cast the spell. If you should lose or break the item, the spell goes with it.
27. Learning this spell has transformed you. If someone asks you a question while holding your hand, you are compelled to tell the truth. If anyone asks you three questions this way, you may never tell them the truth again.
28. This spell only works if you have eaten nothing but raw meat since dawn (canned rations don't count as raw). It gets +1d to be cast if you still have the juices dripping down your chin. Roll for scurvy. Oddly, this spell feels pity for players (not PCs) who are vegetarians, and adjusts accordingly.
29. Learning this spell has transformed you. You are now part-something, and you use your new found traits to protect your spell secrets all the more zealously. If you happen to cast a spell related to your new identity, you get +1d to the roll. If there is some hybrid you can think of based on the spell, use that. Otherwise, roll a d5: 1) you are part slug; 2) you have beetle-wings under a new carapace; 3)You are part sea-sponge; 4) you are part mammal (choose what animal); 5) you are partly undead.
30. Learning this spell has brought you to the attention of the shaggai-loff, a group of inter-dimensional bug-men. Depending on what the Judge wants, the shaggai-loff may try to possess you, dissect you, initiate you, learn at your feet, send assassins for your head, seduce you, etc.
31. Learning this spell has transformed you. Your head detaches and flies away from your body at night, trailing your lungs and guts. You must feed...
32. This spell requires you to be holding a fiery light source in one hand or on your helm (you can hold a torch by its handle). If the spell is fire based, it get's +1d to any damage.
33. This spell requires you to invoke the name of a place while holding a sword aloft. You then use the sword much as you would as a wand to aim any effects. If you ever fumble, you must make a pilgrimage to the place to re-learn the spell from the sorceress that dwells there.
34. Learning this spell has transformed you. You need to craft a magical talisman. As long as you have the talisman, it "memorizes" the spell for you, but should you lose it, you take 1d5 Con damage a turn until you are paralyzed. If so, you will last as long as Karz in this state, waiting for the time when your talisman is returned to you. Craft that talisman using dungeon reagents within a fortnight, or it's eternal torpor for you.
35. You must have eaten the brains of one sapient since the last time you cast this spell to cast it again. You get a bonus to cast it equal to the number of HD the brain's owner had.
36. This spell can affect one extra target as long as you have very nice robes and no backpack. A fanny pack and scabbard is allowed, as is carrying things in your hands. If this spell doesn't target things, make it last twice as long instead. If it's instantaneous and doesn't target things, move one spell result better on the casting table.
37. The spell is cast at +1d if you have forgotten all other spells (or didn't bother to memorize them today). Boggarts lie in wait to assassinate wizards that have few defenses, so be careful about using this to cast a long ritual.
38. Learning this spell has transformed you. If angered or damaged, you turn into a beastial, brutish form for one 10 minute turn. Casting spells is -1d in this form, but your melee attacks are at +1d.
39. This spell requires all allies to take a ginyu force pose. I'm talking about the players in the real world.
40. Learning this spell has transformed you. You now must house your soul in your magical tome. Magical effects that require touching you only work if the caster touches your tome (this includes clerical laying on of hands). If you should lose it, anyone who holds it may command you to do their bidding. When you die, the tome will start speaking with your voice. It can teach those who find it, should they meet your standards. 
41. You must be drunk to cast this spell. Each time you cast it, roll a d60 under your Con. If you fail, take 4 Con damage to the liver.
42. This spell may and must be stored in your beard instead of your mind. If you shave it off, your beard will manifest the spell effects explosively 10 minutes later (this destroys the beard, duh).
43. This spell refuses to work unless you are infertile. Know a patron that wants to eat your shwanzshtuker? 
44. To finalize the binding of this spell, you must ritually tattoo yourself using ink made from eldritch ingredients found in a dungeon (it's monster gong, isn't it). Describe where the tattoo is on you. The tattoo glows if a tribal tramp-stamp, animates if an animal, etc.
45. The final secrets of this spell will only be revealed to you if you bury yourself alive for seven days while surrounded by the bones of magical beasts. This is not a process you are guaranteed to survive.
46. Casting this spell usually works fine, but if it fails, you turn into a wolf, raven, or ferret until dawn's light touches your flesh again.
47. This spell can only be memorized by the gestating flesh of your own get. You must touch the belly of the womb-bearer (which can be you) as you cast or memorize it. The child, when born, will not be quite of this world. 
48. Learning this spell has transformed you. You have cloven hooves, horns, goat eyes, or the like. You have +1d to traffic with demons.
49. On a fumble, this spell turns some possession of the party to crumbly lead. On a crit, this spell turns something to gold. Players who try to game the system will eventually find their body parts changing into metal.
50. This spell teaches you some minor magics too! You learn 1d3 cantrips and use them once each a day. Ask the Judge for them or roll on this list.
51. As long as you have this spell memorized, your ceremonial dagger can cut through anything.
52. This spell longs to inhabit flesh. If anyone has a bit of their body (excepting blood) severed while you have this spell in your spell-book or memory, the spell leaps into it, and grows it into a mad hybrid of what its two parts are. Woe betide the wizard who accidentally creates the polyglottal toe by knowing a spell about languages while the warrior happens to crit a monster's foot. Slay the beast to get your spell back. Quick! Before it undergoes mitosis!
53. This spell may be cast at +1d if you, the player, use a funny wizard voice and intone a little four-line stanza whenever you cast it.
54. Learning the spell changes your fate. Re-roll your Luck score and star sign! Reroll again if anything that isn't different.
55. As long as you have memorized but have not cast the spell since dawn, your flesh cannot be penetrated. Keep in mind that you can still be hurt, but bladed weapons will be blunted and your enemies will probably have to find interesting ways to kill you. I have no idea what happens if this interacts with #51.
56. Learning or casting this spell makes one gender go insane. It would be pretty boring to not have it be the gender the wizard happens to be...
57. This spell is chimerically reactive; if two or more mundane, non-sapient, distinct vertebrates are present, they must save or be melded into one supernatural being with parts of all beasts. There is an equal chance of special powers, the beast being intelligent, or both. Whenever a chimera is slain, roll a d30 on the Phlogiston Disturbance table.
58. With this spell came knowledge for a ritual to cheat death. Roll on this table until the game Judge deems it game-able. You then have to perform the ritual to gain the benefits of it.
59. You don't know how to cast this spell in a non-crazy manner. You can cast this spell at its maximum result at any time you choose, but it will rack your body with strange energies, necessitating a cheat-death roll.
60. This spell is bound by a 6th dimensional helical-schism to two other spells (determined secretly by the game Judge, and revealed through play); whenever you roll to cast it, there is a 66% chance you cast one of the other two (determined randomly which it is with each casting) instead. The other two spells will have the same casting time as this one, or faster ones, but not longer. The spells will whisper their effect to you moments before you need to make any decisions, such as targets for them. Any special costs for these extra spells will be ignored. 

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d60 Ways the Wizard Has Found to Cheat Death

This post is just me copy-pasta-ing people's ideas from g+ way back in September, 2015. I added numbers, fixed what I assumed were typos, and removed hard to game stuff where necessary. Obviously very little credit goes to me.

Claytonian JP

1: Must be beheaded.

2: Vulnerable only to water.

3: Heart must be fed to an adder.

Benjamin Baugh+4

4: Has hidden her soul in the heart of a child - the next King.  That soul will pass to the heir of the crown in time, and so it goes.  The wizard will defend the King's line, and in turn the King will not raise a force to kill her. So long as the soul lives, she lives. She is dark heart of the land, a splinter that can not be pulled. 

Gus L+3

5: Soul placed into large, burly body made of gold plated animate bronze and covered in spell reflecting runes.

 

6: Aquatic, goes to battle inside enslaved water elemental of largest size.

7: Also a dracula.

Benjamin Baugh+4

8: She possesses many bodies, all grown from skin and hair and blood of her own now crone-like original form.  Her conscience moves freely among these bodies, which possess their own intelligence, but no spark of life or creativity or magic.   As long as one lives, she will persist, and she lives by the sea, near a port that regularly hosts foreign ships. 

Benjamin Baugh+4

9: She is married to the Dragon of the Sea, and partakes of the Dragon's formlessness and eternity.  You can not kill the sea.  You can not cut it.  You can not force it to remain still.  She is restless, changing, temperamental, but so long as her marriage remains, she does as well. 

Scott Martin+3

10: The mirror image has all the hit points, the body you target is the illusion.

Benjamin Baugh+2

12: She is preserved in the last moment of her life, which is extended into infinity by juice of the Colorless Lotus, and projects illusions of startling reality into the world when she must act. 

Wayne Rossi+2

13: Is actually a colony creature and keeps backup parts of self in jars throughout the world.

Benjamin Baugh+1

14: She sacrificed her body for greater understanding of strange realms, dream, and the land beyond the threshold of sanity, where the Hungry Hunters and the Laughing Boys dwell.

    Her consciousness and her soul live in her Name now, inhabiting it like they once did her body, her Name a living thing in the abstract realms she explores.
     When you speak her name, she sees what you see, hears what you hear.  When you say it while looking in the mirror, she comes to possess you for a time, until you next sleep.
     To kill her, you must eradicate her Name from all common knowledge. 

Claytonian JP+2

15: Mathmagican that twists Zeno's paradox to stalemate heroes that would draw near or shoot arrows.

Claytonian JP+6

16: Made of paper-mache. Real wizard is sipping cappuccinos in Paris.

Christopher Weeks+3

17: He exists now as a legend. The only way to destroy him is to destroy everyone who knows of the legends. But you too must know the legends or you wouldn't be after him...

Nobilis Reed+1

18: Soul bound to the the body of an owl. Hijacks familiar-calling rituals before they are complete, kills the nascent familiar and takes its place. Gradually takes over the mind of the young wizard, uses him or her until no longer useful, finds another.

Benjamin Baugh+2

19: She was consecrated as a Sacrifice to the Old Goat, the Midnight Man still worshiped in secret out in the pagan countryside.  So long as she maintains her ritual purification, none but the sacrificial blade of the Goat's priest can slay her, for the Goat is a jealous god, unwilling to give up what it was promised.
     This is complicated by her murder of the Goat's whole priesthood, and purge of its worshipers.  There is no living hand which can wield the knife now.
     So she lives, so long as she maintains her purity.

Claytonian JP

20: You must find their secret name, write it on rice-paper, pin the paper to an effigy, and burn it.

Wayne Rossi

21: Has a deal with a demon so that he can instantaneously switch places with it.

Benjamin Baugh+2

22: An accident during her apprenticeship turned her into a small white mouse, a condition her master refused (or was unable) to reverse.
     She rallied, and overcame her disadvantages, and is as capable a wizard as any human practitioner now.  Due to a peculiarity of the magic, she maintained her human intelligence and wisdom, and as well as resilience and constitution.   So she is a very strong and very tough mouse indeed.
     She has built for herself (and commissioned from cunning gnomes) a arcanomechanical psuedomoculus resembling her own youthful human form.  Within the armored head, she sits a her ease - the space within the hollow cranium, a comfortable sitting room for a mouse wizard.  her apartments in the psuedomoculus's chest are luxurious, and well-appointed with mouse-sized magical apparatus.
     Killing her involves cracking this walking fortress, catching her, and then doing enough harm to her mouse-sized form to kill a seasoned adventuring wizard.  

Christopher Weeks+1

23: She can only be harmed by the creations of her daughters. It has been foretold!

Paul C+1

24: Wizard's beard is actually an alien parasite that regenerates and controls the body to do its terrible, unfathomable objectives (treat as Geas).  

Benjamin Baugh

25: She dissolved herself in a solution of hemlock and acid and plague puss.  She is a Miasma now, a disease which lives within a victim.  She possess those infected, and though the fever of her magic kills them eventually, she has plenty of opportunity to spread.  Some do not become possessed by her, and instead host her miasma without succumbing to it.  She is unconscious within such hosts, but they are still contagious. 

Claytonian JP+1

Why are you milking my puss, lady?
I'm gonna be immortal!

Chris F+2

26: The wizard/witch only exists in the past, in a time stopped moment. The being you're fighting is just a mystical projection.
     Not only do you need to find a way to travel back in time to kill them, you need to know the exact moment that their living self is suspended in and figure out how to get near them without getting caught in the time stop.

Christopher Weeks+1

27: The wizard has infused the polar ice cap with their very essence and will always find a way to come back so long as the ice cap remains safe. (See: Witch Of The North and Al Gore.)

Paul C+1

28: This wizard has betrayed and escaped the ancient Worm Kings, stealing the secret of their great power of regeneration. To truly kill this traitor, you must bury the wizard alive and let the worms reclaim him/her.

Frank Mitchell+1

29: The Sorcerer-King's true body, bloated to four times its original size, floats in a tank of greenish-yellow fluid in a tower without door or stairs somewhere in a trackless desert.  The ministers and generals of his growing empire receive orders telepathically.  Occasionally he'll conjure a simulacrum and take more direct action, although after about thirteen days each simulacrum dissolves into greenish goo.

Benjamin Baugh+2

30: She stole the Gorgon's eyes, and placed them in her own empty sockets.  She wears a mask that is lined within with a warped inverting mirror with vectors defined by sacred geometry and the magic of transmogrification.  The stoning gaze is reflected back upon the organs which created the effect, creating a loop, an anchor.  While she wears the mask, she is blind and weeps gritty tears eternally as the stoned then renewed orbs inflame her sockets, but while the mask remains in place, she is immortal and invulnerable.
     Removing the mask is a deadly proposition, however, as it frees her stolen gorgon gaze.   

Joseph Teller

31: Has a hidden painting ala Dorian Gray.

Jensen Toperzer+5

32: She exists across multiple universes and timelines. By breaking time, she shares knowledge and memories (though not spells, levels, skills, etc). You might kill her 18th level self, but in a parallel universe her 1st level counterpart knows what you did. Someday, she will no longer be 1st level...
By this method she will also travel to other universes to ensure some version of herself is born and follows the same path to awakening to her manifold mirrored self.
     However, there are not infinite versions of her, and though they share memories they do not all agree with each other. Also, once one awakens, only one of her can exist in a universe at a time.

Benjamin Baugh+1

33: Her head was severed by the Surgeons of Rith called the Thousand-Handed Healers and grafted to the Golden Scarab, a crablike armature of beautiful and horrifying craftsmanship.
     The Golden Scarab maintains her life, and allows her head to move and leap and climb faster than a dart spider.  The Scarab can also neatly sever the head from a victim, and insinuate its finer feelers and leg-parts into the neck stump, giving the wizard control over the body until it starves to death.
     While riding a body, the Scarab curls up around her head like an ornate collar.
     She will only die when her head is surgically removed from the Scarab, a process that demands at least the tools, if not the expertise, of the Thousand-Handed Healers. 

Bobby Martin+1

34: Just going by the book, my archmage spent all his time magic jarred into a clone of a near perfect human specimen. If the body's killed, his soul goes into a ring on his companion and can attempt to possess those nearby. Only by destroying the ring and killing his body can you kill him.
     Except he also has several clones of himself growing in secluded locations. When each clone is half grown, he kills it and starts a new one. If he's not around to kill it, it matures and becomes the new him.

A. Miles Davis+4

35: [wizard name] is actually part of a pyramid scheme. Thousands are recruited and provided a ritual that gives them access to the original wizard's knowledge and form. The first one died millennia ago.

Christopher Weeks+3

36: The sorceress has learned to control quantum forces, moving her frame of reference from one universe to the adjacent one with casual ease. As such, when you fire an arrow, swing a sword or attempt to poison her lamb, she simply shifts her frame to a universe in which you miss or fail. For the universe to continue working, it forces you along in her wake and so it is perceived as if she were merely the luckiest person in history.

 

Benjamin Baugh+3

37: She has stolen the deepest mystery of the Trickster's cult - she is master of the Lie You Must Believe. When any come to kill her, she tells them that their weapons are useless, that they are powerless against her, and that only the chosen one can end her reign, and so compelled, they leave dejected. She has lied to Death itself, the last time the Ferryman came for her.  She has lied to the Goddess of youth, to gain herself a renewed body. She must be careful never to directly contradict her own lies, for that will break the spell entirely. And she must fend off the flirtatious advances of the Trickster God, because it turns out he's kind of a creeper. 

Claytonian JP+2

38: Promised soul to several competing hellish factions. Keeps getting rejected to avoid an all out Blood War. Hell wants to keep the cold war going.

Frank Mitchell+1

39: Anyone who thinks they've killed the Arch Wizard Ruin will find they've merely killed a Ruin-golem.

Chris McDowall

40: Robot

Chris P.+2

41: Has a hierarchy of henchmen that impersonate the wizard ala Ra'as al Ghul from Batman Begins.

Mark Hunt+1

42: When Wizard dies, takes over nearest PC and continues the fight.

Wayne Rossi+5

43: When the archmage dies, his soul returns to his spellbook. When another wizard reads the spellbook, his soul is sent to Hell and replaced by that of the archmage.

Chris P.+2

44: Has the local clergy on his payroll. They will seek out his remains and resurrect him. Gives new meaning to the term "life insurance"..

Chris S+2

45: She has just spread a LOT of rumors to her longevity and not being able to be killed. lots of these rumors have to do with things like killing a succubus while in the throws of passion with her, or crafting a weapon from the spine of a dragon while living for a month inside of it. It's all total bullshit, but she has really good PR agents spreading these lies.

Benjamin Baugh+1

46: Her name is actually a title, her magic and regalia worn by different people through the ages.  There is always another Wizard, trained, waiting to assume the role, to take on the power and the panoply.  Occult probate law sees to the timely transfer of the mantle. 

Frank Mitchell+3

47: Narrative causality keeps the Wizard from lasting harm.  He is a central character in a highly successful series of novels, now being ghostwritten by three younger authors.  The publisher simply will not let the Wizard die.

Chris P.+3

48: The villain has made Death fall in love with him. For him to truly die, Death must be convinced to let the villain's life pass away.

Devin Parker+2

49: May only be slain by someone born with the wizard's birth name. Upon the wizard's earthly death, the slayer inherits the wizard's supernatural debts (deals with devils, etc.).

Craig Vial

50:To slay the wizard, you must slay yourself

Chris P.+2

51: To destroy the lich, you must destroy her phylactery. Unfortunately, it holds an evil far worse than the lich herself, perhaps the Tarrasque, Tharizidun, or even.. shivers... the old dancing guy that used to be in those 6 Flags ads.

Kevyn Winkless

52: The wizard is sealed and preserved within a block of eldritch crystal, and although appearing solid in fact acts in the world only through manifestation via a kind of Astral Projection - the wizard is thus able to "blink" from locale to locale at will, and is untouched by most physical attacks. Certain kinds of arcane attacks can force the manifestation to dissolve, and the wizard will be so shaken that manifestation is impossible for hours or days afterwards. The crystal is hidden somewhere unknown, and the wizard can only be killed by breaking it open and defeating the physical body.

Kevyn Winkless

53: Wizard has wrested control of a plane of Hell or the Abyss from the Demon Prince/Duke of Hell that ordinarily rules there (perhaps by becoming a trusted advisor and manipulating the creature from behind the throne?). Evil forces associated with that plane act in accordance to the wizards wishes - not only following direct instructions but instinctively acting to further the wizard's goals. Cultists and other devotees are instinctively hostile to those who have earned the wizard's enmity, and while the wizard may be defeatable on the Material Plane despite the advantages of being an extra-planar being, the result is simply for the wizard's spirit to be banished back to the home plane where a new body will form in time. (And during which period, worshipers will be particularly hostile to those who caused the wizard harm...)

Duncan Eshelman+1

54: Mind jars into a sentient fungi, which happens to be a faerie ring 20km in diameter.

Jaye Foster+5

55: The wizard doesn't actually exist. The superstitious locals simply blame everything on the wizard they believe lives in a long abandoned tower.

Klaus Teufel

56: She's a colony of snakes. (Thanks, Doctor Who!)

Jeff Rients+3

57: Mortal soul replaced with Multitronic-6 computer housed in hyperspace.

 

Claytonian JP

58-60: Roll again until you don't get this result and put a twist on what the entry is. I didn't write this one in 2015, BTW. I'm magic!
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