d60 The One Thing about this Spell is...

Tsathoggua is a d60.

Learning a spell is not a predictable, orderly process. The good news is that if you manage to get past the strange protections and curses of a magical libram, you do stand a good chance of grokking the spell with diligent research and lots of demon-bribing. The bad news is there is always one catch about a spell. 

Roll a d60 on this list. If there are any variables on your result, determine those now; they won't change. If you don't like the spell, quest for another version of it. 

This list is inspired by the mercurial magic rules of DCCRPG, this Anxiety Wizard post, and this Tower of the Mad GM post. They are metal!

1. Your studies show you that final syllables must be taught to you by a monster (Judges choice what it is and where, but you do know what and where it is supposed to be, roughly).
2. It can be cast only by someone of a specific gender (determine male, female, neuter, or campaign equivalent to hijra). One can present as another gender, but everyone around them must have used the spell's preferred pronoun to refer to the caster since dawn.
3. It manifests in a random manner each time it is cast. Sometimes as a flaming sword, sometimes as a screaming skull, sometimes as your tsking mother... The effect is probably the same regardless.
4. Roll a percentile die whenever you cast this and assign everyone present that you know a number by counting them. If the percentile rolls a number equal to the number of present souls, one of them turns to dust. Otherwise, someone you know that is not present dies (Judge picks). You are considered to know anyone you have broken bread with.
5. You must store (memorize) this spell in the skull of a dead wizard (quest for it; if you kill the wizard in a spell duel, the spell you store in the skull is +1d per the wizard's level at death). The skull hates you, and talks telepathically to anyone within two ells.
6. Roll a d2. This spell either can only be cast by 1) truth-speakers or by 2) liars. Respectively, no lies or truths allowed since the last time you cast or memorized this. For ease of roleplay, only your responses to questions from other characters count.
7. This spell requires a hype man to rile up the magic as you rap out a ditty about it. Beat boxing optional. Judge might give +1d for smooth flow.
8. Thank you, Mario, but your spell is in another quest.
9. This spell just doesn't work without either spellburn or relevant monster gong.
10. This spell's results only work under certain lighting conditions. Anything outside the rays of the designated light source just doesn't work. For instance, a magic missile that would leave the light fizzles. Roll a d5: 1) moonlight; 2) the light of a corpse-candle; 3) lamplight; 4) the light of a torch held by a cannibal; 5) the light of a candle that has seventeen drops of blood mixed into the wax. This spell is 1d harder to save against than most though.
11. Leper's Delight. This spell can only be cast by those missing body parts. Luckily (?), you can spellburn off a body part as you cast this spell and it will count. You also get +1d to cast it per missing member.
12. The gods hate this spell! Ask me how! If you have this spell memorized, you cannot be healed by an idolater, and entering any sort of sacred place, even evil gods' fanes, for more than a few moments explodes your brains. 
13. Learning this spell has transformed you. Your presence curdles milk, gives grannies draught-chills, and makes animals afeared.
14. The spell cannot be cast unless you are wearing a conical hat. There are certain wizard conclaves that have managed to use jaunty hats instead.
15. The spell requires a wand, and the wand demands to help cast all your spells. It slumps wanly if ignored or if it fumbles.
16. The spell cannot be cast by those who do not have some sort of corruption--a warping of the flesh by eldritch energies. The spell can be transcribed onto scrolls as normal though.
17. This spell needs to be played out by an grind-organ over the course of at least a round. A monkey with a tip-cup starts to follow you around if you use this spell enough.
18. This spell can only be cast by twins, but is very effective. +3d to cast together. If your backstory is unknown, you can roll Luck to see if you have a twin somewhere, and then try to convince them to join the party.
19. This spell costs an arm and a leg to learn. Literally. It will never fail, though (it might still misfire or fumble on a 1). You can back out of that bargain at the last second before learning this one completely.
20. This spell requires you to make a magic circle. Drawing it out with a stick in the dirt over the course of a round will do. Roll Luck if there is ever any question if dirt is available, or carry your own. The game Judge may give you ad hoc bonuses based on how fancy the materials in your circle are...
21. This spell can only be cast while nude. Even a backpack counts, but oddly enough, it will still work with any hat on your head if the hat has stars on it.
22. This spell needs a proxy to deliver it. You touch someone else, they touch some third target to affect that thing. You don't know how effective a given instance of the spell will be until the proxy delivers it. 
23. Learning this spell has transformed you. Roll on a corruption or mutation chart (Judge's choice).
24. This spell refuses to be cast when a certain thing is present (roll a d12): 1) Hobbits; 2) fountains; 3) fungal bio-luminescence; 4) children; 5) androids; 6) tears; 7) the undead; 8) swords; 9) men; 10) doors; 11) violence 12) an even numbers of arms.
25. Learning this spell has transformed you. You can no longer stand either (roll a d5) 1) choral singing, 2) moss, 3) bones, 4) sunlight, or 5) moonlight. Such stuff burnses you.
26. This spell has imprinted upon an item you cherish. Name it. You must hold it to cast the spell. If you should lose or break the item, the spell goes with it.
27. Learning this spell has transformed you. If someone asks you a question while holding your hand, you are compelled to tell the truth. If anyone asks you three questions this way, you may never tell them the truth again.
28. This spell only works if you have eaten nothing but raw meat since dawn (canned rations don't count as raw). It gets +1d to be cast if you still have the juices dripping down your chin. Roll for scurvy. Oddly, this spell feels pity for players (not PCs) who are vegetarians, and adjusts accordingly.
29. Learning this spell has transformed you. You are now part-something, and you use your new found traits to protect your spell secrets all the more zealously. If you happen to cast a spell related to your new identity, you get +1d to the roll. If there is some hybrid you can think of based on the spell, use that. Otherwise, roll a d5: 1) you are part slug; 2) you have beetle-wings under a new carapace; 3)You are part sea-sponge; 4) you are part mammal (choose what animal); 5) you are partly undead.
30. Learning this spell has brought you to the attention of the shaggai-loff, a group of inter-dimensional bug-men. Depending on what the Judge wants, the shaggai-loff may try to possess you, dissect you, initiate you, learn at your feet, send assassins for your head, seduce you, etc.
31. Learning this spell has transformed you. Your head detaches and flies away from your body at night, trailing your lungs and guts. You must feed...
32. This spell requires you to be holding a fiery light source in one hand or on your helm (you can hold a torch by its handle). If the spell is fire based, it get's +1d to any damage.
33. This spell requires you to invoke the name of a place while holding a sword aloft. You then use the sword much as you would as a wand to aim any effects. If you ever fumble, you must make a pilgrimage to the place to re-learn the spell from the sorceress that dwells there.
34. Learning this spell has transformed you. You need to craft a magical talisman. As long as you have the talisman, it "memorizes" the spell for you, but should you lose it, you take 1d5 Con damage a turn until you are paralyzed. If so, you will last as long as Karz in this state, waiting for the time when your talisman is returned to you. Craft that talisman using dungeon reagents within a fortnight, or it's eternal torpor for you.
35. You must have eaten the brains of one sapient since the last time you cast this spell to cast it again. You get a bonus to cast it equal to the number of HD the brain's owner had.
36. This spell can affect one extra target as long as you have very nice robes and no backpack. A fanny pack and scabbard is allowed, as is carrying things in your hands. If this spell doesn't target things, make it last twice as long instead. If it's instantaneous and doesn't target things, move one spell result better on the casting table.
37. The spell is cast at +1d if you have forgotten all other spells (or didn't bother to memorize them today). Boggarts lie in wait to assassinate wizards that have few defenses, so be careful about using this to cast a long ritual.
38. Learning this spell has transformed you. If angered or damaged, you turn into a beastial, brutish form for one 10 minute turn. Casting spells is -1d in this form, but your melee attacks are at +1d.
39. This spell requires all allies to take a ginyu force pose. I'm talking about the players in the real world.
40. Learning this spell has transformed you. You now must house your soul in your magical tome. Magical effects that require touching you only work if the caster touches your tome (this includes clerical laying on of hands). If you should lose it, anyone who holds it may command you to do their bidding. When you die, the tome will start speaking with your voice. It can teach those who find it, should they meet your standards. 
41. You must be drunk to cast this spell. Each time you cast it, roll a d60 under your Con. If you fail, take 4 Con damage to the liver.
42. This spell may and must be stored in your beard instead of your mind. If you shave it off, your beard will manifest the spell effects explosively 10 minutes later (this destroys the beard, duh).
43. This spell refuses to work unless you are infertile. Know a patron that wants to eat your shwanzshtuker? 
44. To finalize the binding of this spell, you must ritually tattoo yourself using ink made from eldritch ingredients found in a dungeon (it's monster gong, isn't it). Describe where the tattoo is on you. The tattoo glows if a tribal tramp-stamp, animates if an animal, etc.
45. The final secrets of this spell will only be revealed to you if you bury yourself alive for seven days while surrounded by the bones of magical beasts. This is not a process you are guaranteed to survive.
46. Casting this spell usually works fine, but if it fails, you turn into a wolf, raven, or ferret until dawn's light touches your flesh again.
47. This spell can only be memorized by the gestating flesh of your own get. You must touch the belly of the womb-bearer (which can be you) as you cast or memorize it. The child, when born, will not be quite of this world. 
48. Learning this spell has transformed you. You have cloven hooves, horns, goat eyes, or the like. You have +1d to traffic with demons.
49. On a fumble, this spell turns some possession of the party to crumbly lead. On a crit, this spell turns something to gold. Players who try to game the system will eventually find their body parts changing into metal.
50. This spell teaches you some minor magics too! You learn 1d3 cantrips and use them once each a day. Ask the Judge for them or roll on this list.
51. As long as you have this spell memorized, your ceremonial dagger can cut through anything.
52. This spell longs to inhabit flesh. If anyone has a bit of their body (excepting blood) severed while you have this spell in your spell-book or memory, the spell leaps into it, and grows it into a mad hybrid of what its two parts are. Woe betide the wizard who accidentally creates the polyglottal toe by knowing a spell about languages while the warrior happens to crit a monster's foot. Slay the beast to get your spell back. Quick! Before it undergoes mitosis!
53. This spell may be cast at +1d if you, the player, use a funny wizard voice and intone a little four-line stanza whenever you cast it.
54. Learning the spell changes your fate. Re-roll your Luck score and star sign! Reroll again if anything that isn't different.
55. As long as you have memorized but have not cast the spell since dawn, your flesh cannot be penetrated. Keep in mind that you can still be hurt, but bladed weapons will be blunted and your enemies will probably have to find interesting ways to kill you. I have no idea what happens if this interacts with #51.
56. Learning or casting this spell makes one gender go insane. It would be pretty boring to not have it be the gender the wizard happens to be...
57. This spell is chimerically reactive; if two mundane, non-sapient vertebrates are present, they must save or be melded into one supernatural being with parts of both beasts. This process counters the spell as well; fumbled spells make monsters with special powers and successfully cast ones make the beast intelligent. Whenever a chimera is slain, roll a d30 on the Phlogiston Disturbance table.
58. With this spell came knowledge for a ritual to cheat death. Roll on this table until the game Judge deems it game-able. You then have to perform the ritual to gain the benefits of it.
59. You don't know how to cast this spell in a non-crazy manner. You can cast this spell at its maximum result at any time you choose, but it will rack your body with strange energies, necessitating a cheat-death roll.
60. This spell is bound by a 6th dimensional helical-schism to two other spells (determined secretly by the game Judge, and revealed through play); whenever you roll to cast it, there is a 66% chance you cast one of the other two (determined randomly which it is with each casting) instead. The other two spells will have the same casting time as this one, or faster ones, but not longer. The spells will whisper their effect to you moments before you need to make any decisions, such as targets for them. Any special costs for these extra spells will be ignored. 

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